I woke up in the middle of the night, stuffing my face with food. Guess what I found? Half a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips. I'm not sure of how many I ate, but I do remember being pissed off that they weren't very sweet. Luckily, I'm pretty sure I didn't have that many.
I didn't remember it until this morning when I opened the refrigerator to see some frozen pound cake out of the freezer. Initially, I started eating this, but must have decided on the chocolate chips... I seriously forgot the chocolate chips were even in there. Some nook of my mind must have remembered. I better throw them away!!!
WHY would I do this to myself? I wonder - is it me being super hungry and by body saying FEED ME or a secret desire for self-destruction?
Well, I do suffer from very strange sleep patterns. I have been known to sleep walk as a child and I have also eaten in my sleep before. Oh, and weirder yet, I woke up on the surgery table when they were operating on both of my knees when I was 12 or 13. LUCKILY, I do not remember it, but I did wake up with my IV in a different place... Apparently I had ripped it out and it took several nurses to hold me down.
I still don't know why it happened, but apparently it's more common than people think. However, the instances that I have read about online where people have woken up during surgery is that they are conscious but unable to move or tell the surgeon that they are feeling it. I would probably prefer to have my situation happen, kicking and screaming and totally freaking out.
After surgery, my anesthesiologist asked me if I walked in my sleep and I told him I did. He said that my body may not go into paralysis as it should in certain patterns of sleep. FREAKY! So that little aspect makes me dread any type of surgery like 100 x more than I did anyway.
Aside from my chocolate chip situation, I've been eating very low carb lately and loving it. When I fuel my body with appropriate foods, I like myself more. When I give myself processed junk, it's more of a self-loathing feeling afterward... not to mention the sickness plus the weight gain. Honestly, though, I would prefer the liking myself feeling to the weight loss any day.
there is something to all of this, the disturbed sleeping and eating. I know I will make it through the day and eat terrifically for days then wake up at night and think, I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING, SOMETHING NORMAL. I dont know that this is a flaw. I think it is our brains, saying we are trying so hard to get to normal via an abnormal (to us) route that just SOMETHING normal will help. This I think is actually the more controllable way to eat off diet than during the day. If I eat something during the day THE WHOLE DAY is blown, and I go downhill. If I mess up in the middle of the night it seems like I will have a fresh start in the morning.
ReplyDeleteI think as we lose weight and get closer to our goals and eventually maintain our perfect weights then what will happen is our dieting will just become our normal and and there will be no need to wake up and eat something in the middle of the night.
Also I wonder if something traumatic happened to you at night, I know I have had bad things happen in the middle of the night and somehow waking up and taking control (even just control of food intake) seems calming.
oh how silly of me, the traumatic thing is you woke up during surgery!!!! Sheesh. But thinking about that, if you dont remember it, maybe that isnt what is causing you to wake up...plus you waking up at all, means you metabolize anesthesia faster than the average person (I learned that on Greys Anatomy, LOL) There is somehting about people that metabolize anesthesia faster having higher anxiety, and maybe this could factor into you waking up at night. I know I tend to be anxious myself though I have never woken up during surgery THANK GOD, how horrible that would have been
ReplyDeleteI think you're definitely on to something. Liking oneself is much easier when we treat our bodies with respect. And it's not just a biochemical response either, IMO.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger various types of therapy helped me (temporarily) with my low self esteem. But ultimately what I've found is that doing right by myself and others is the only thing that helps to consistently boost/maintain my sense of self worth. I guess that's as it should be.
I hope you'll keep doing right by yourself and feeling better because of it.
Haven't heard from you for a while -- I hope you are ok. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeletehey! whatcha doin. where is my fave low carbin buddy?
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing as important as self acceptance. Self love. No amount of loss on the scale can help you if you are trying to abuse yourself, which is what I dd for years.
ReplyDelete<3