Low carb menu

- Tuna salad
- Sausage quiche with mushrooms, green pepper and onions
- Three hot dogs on half an oopsie roll with mayo, mustard and low carb ketchup
- Two pieces of low carb drumstick treat
- Five baby smoky links, cheesy (2 carbs for five of them)

Exercise: Day four of the 30 Day Shred

Low carb menu

- Three scrambled eggs (fried in butter) with two sausage patties
- Hamburger/hot dog quiche with mushrooms, cheese, onions and bell pepper
- Two sausage patties
- Two low carb pancakes with sugar free Mrs. Butterworth's syrup
- Tuna salad with celery, mayo, liquid splenda, bell pepper, hard boiled egg and sugar free relish

Exercise: Third day in a row of week one of the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels

Low carb menu

- Hamburger~hotdog~bell pepper~onion~mushroom quiche
- Two sausage patties
- More quiche
- Green bean casserole with hamburger and ham added

Exercise: Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred workout, week one plus a pack walk with the dogs and girlfriend

You need hand weights (light ones) to do many of the strength-training workouts on this particular dvd and I only have one ten-pound weight, so I improvised and used jars of natural spaghetti sauce instead. Hey, it pays to stock up sometimes!

Low carb menu and Jillian Michaels kicked my bootie

- Cheeseburger~hotdog supreme
- Pork chop breaded with Parmesan with low carb ketchup
- Dottie's green bean casserole with ham and burger added in
- Two sausage patties with two low carb pancakes with sugar free Mrs. Butterworth's syrup

I will have to post the recipe for the cheeseburger~hot dog supreme later on. It's really good, actually and was just born from what we had in our kitchen.

So last night, we did the workout for part one of Jillian's 30 day shred and wow, did it ever work us out! I did have to rely on my walker for some of the running routines because my knee is not 100% yet after surgery, but that workout was unbelievable! I also had to do some modified push ups because I can't lay on the floor yet face-down, but I made due and certainly got in a good, hard workout. After being in the wheelchair then the walker, it felt great to get my blood pumping!

Christmas and such

Hope everybody had a very Merry Christmas!

We went and celebrated with my grandma on Christmas Eve and spent the night with my mom that night. We woke up and had our traditional sausage and egg breakfast sandwiches then we went and ate dinner at my favorite brother's house. He could not leave the house because he was on-call (yeah, cable guys are even on call during the holidays), so he made us a nice salad and potroast. I had some of the best wine at my brother's house.

We came back here on Christmas day and I had a donut to celebrate the holiday and we opened presents. Angie got me a cute bathrobe, a gorgeous rose gold necklace and earrings that are sooo gorgeous (she says that pretty girls should wear pretty things), a dvd, a little lit-up bakery as part of a little Victorian Christmas village, some pans that I asked for (nice pyrex ones), a pug calendar and pug socks because I'm totally in love with our pug, some dish towels that are totally Christmassy and I'm like obsessed with dish towels for some reason (every time I'm at our dollar store, one mysteriously winds up in the cart) plus two ornaments and one that I can't think of right now. We were starting our tradition of exchanging one Christmas ornament per year, but I totally dropped the ball when I ran out of time to make it. However, leave it to Angie to get two ornaments, so she said that one of them can be from me to her. How thoughtful is she? She filled my stocking with the cutest nail polish, cute little popcorn containers I've been eyeing plus an O magazine. My mom gave us $100 bill, which is totally awesome. I mostly got Angie Old Navy stuff because she has practically no clothes that fit her now that she has lost almost ninety pounds. She is into about a men's size large (XL if you ask her because she wears everything several sizes too big).

I did quite a bit of low carb baking, including chewy chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, coconut brownies and drumstick treat on the day before Christmas Eve, which was fun. It's nice to be able to have treats that won't make me sick, but I need to remember that they are indeed treats and do not need to be consumed daily. I left my mom and brother with some of the healthy treats and the rest are in the freezer, except for the drumstick treat, which probably wouldn't freeze well anyway. Plus, it's a nice option for us to eat when we are back on plan with eating low carb. I didn't go crazy over the holiday, but I certainly indulged enough where I do not feel like I need to make up for it because I was cheated in any way.

We are celebrating at my dad's house with my five brothers and sister on New Year's Eve Day, which should be fun. I hope all the boys can make it. Angie has a special question for my dad, which makes me nervous, but she is old-school like that. Everybody loves her. My dad was apprehensive about me having a girlfriend at first, but he sees how good she treats me and how happy we are together and last time he hung out with her, he was telling her what a good listener she is. She really hit it off with my grandma too, who was excited that she had somebody to tell her stories to who has never heard them... You know, the "80 years ago when I was a kid..." versions.

When I was at my brother's, I did this dance game on the xbox 360 connect, which was pretty cool. I was jsut happy that I could master most of the moves without being on my cane, so clearly, the knee front is on the up and up. I'm going to start doing Pilates on Netflix and last night, we picked up a Jillian Michaels' workout dvd, so I'm still putting my health at the top of my list.

Day-After-Christmas Menu:
- Sausage and cheese three egg omelet
- Three chewy chocolate chip low carb cookies
- BLT on an oopsie with mayo and cheese
- Drumstick treat

Low carb menu

- Unpotato salad with green pepper added
- Three egg cheese omelet
- Hamburger gravy on top of mashed cauliflower
- Half pound cheese burger on an oopsie roll with onions, tomato, lettuce, mayo, mustard and low carb ketchup
- Two sausage patties with un-potato salad

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

<333
Angieloo

Low carb menu and trusting the universe

- Two sausage patties
- Two low carb pancakes with sugar free Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup
- Low carb brownie with low carb chocolate frosting
- Half pound bun-less hamburger with mayo, mustard and low carb ketchup
- About 1/3 of a large movie theater popcorn

We had date night last night and Angie took me to see the newest Twilight movie. I was a little bit late hopping aboard the Twilight train, but it sure is awesome!

I knee news, I have taken quite a few steps without my cane or anything, which has been soo awesome. My surgeon told me "no pain, no limp" when it comes to walking around on my newly-reconstructed knee. If it hurts, I'm supposed to be on my cane for now. It does still kind of hurt when I'm sitting with my knee bent, but before surgery, it was much worse. I would literally lay in bed and complain to Angie that the arthritis was so severe that there was not a single position for me to place my knee where it would not be in the most throbbing, excruciating pain. I even just got used to dealing with pain, ignoring the constant signal to my brain that my knee was hurting. I came to realize that part of me felt that I deserved the pain for making myself so fat, when in reality, it had nothing to do with my weight. Sure, I'm sure that me being so big was not helping the problem, but nobody deserves that type of pain. As Angie would remind me, if it were only my weight causing the issues, both knees would hurt, whereas it was just the deformed one that hurt. My surgeon says that he has seen very thin people with the same kind of knee problem, and that it is completely unrelated to my weight. I still kind of only half-believe him, but he is the one who does over three hundred reconstructive knee surgeries per year, so he really knows his stuff. I will say one thing I know for sure, though. My knee pain was not helped by my then-obesity, that is for sure.

Tomorrow will be four months post-op and also when I smoked the last time. Last night, I went to let the dogs out before bed and I just started to walk around without my cane at all. Less than a month ago, walking on a cane was terrifying to me, but it's all about making progress, a little bit at a time. If I do end up needing the same kind of surgery on the bottom part of my knee, it will be fine. Getting through the last four months has been very difficult for me, but it has really shown me that I can overcome more than I ever dreamed.

It's so wild how life works out, isn't it? I never would have dreamed that I would be having knee surgery and being so happy with it. After all, I really blame much of my previous knee deformity on the botched surgery when I was only 12 years old.

I really didn't even realize that I was open to love or into getting a girlfriend at all, until Angie came along and our love was simply undeniable... I did not know from an early age that I was into girls. In fact, before my girlfriend, I just always was attracted to and had relationships with men. I'm happy for our love and I wouldn't have it any other way, but my point is, you never really know what life is going to deal you.

I have to give myself some credit for creating my destiny, though. Through good decisions and perseverance, I have lost over 100 lbs and am still losing. I was open to fixing my knee, so I sought out a top-notch surgeon whose plan I could trust. I was open to love and being with somebody who could make me feel more special and happier than I ever dreamed. When you are open, the universe will make you so happy... happier than you ever dreamed. I think that it is up to you to decide what you want, then the universe will find a way... probably much different from the "how" that you ever imagined... and much better, too.

I looked back at my entry for January 1, 2011 and I was eighty pounds heavier than I am now, single and not having any clue how I would deal with my knee pain. However, I said, "2011 is going to be my year... I just know it." And so it was.

Low carb menu

- Two sausage patties
- Hamburger gravy on mashed cauliflower
- Three egg cheese omelet, fried in butter and dipped in low carb ketchup
- Two sausage patties
- Mockafoni and cheese with low carb ketchup

Mockafoni for the win!

Low carb menu

- Two bowls of home made creamy chicken veggie soup with celery, mushrooms, onions and green peppers
- Un-potato salad with green pepper added
- Two more bowls of super yummy soup
- Three oz pistachios (maybe four)
- Two low carb pancakes, plain
- Three beef sticks (small, pepperoni-like, less than one carb each)
- Two and a half drinks made with vodka and diet Mountain Dew

Low carb menu

- Mockafoni and cheese with low carb ketchup and 1/4 lb bunless burger with tomato, mayo and low carb ketchup
- Half pound burger on an oopsie with all the fixins with unpotato salad
- Low carb brownie with low carb chocolate frosting
- Two low carb pancakes with sugar free syrup

Low carb menu

- Half pound bun-less burger with mayo, tomato, mustard and ketchup with mockafoni and cheese
- Two low carb pancakes, plain
- Mockafoni and cheese with low carb ketchup
- Hamburger gravy with mashed cauliflower

Low carb menu

- Two low carb brownies with low carb chocolate frosting
- Hamburger gravy
- Half pound bunless burger with cheese, tomato, onion, mustard and low carb ketchup
- Mashed cauliflower with hamburger gravy

Low carb menu

- Three pieces of tilapia parmesan
- 1.5 gluten free brownies with low carb chocolate frosting
- Chicken broccoli "rice" (riced cauliflower)
- Hamburger gravy

Low carb menu

- Tilapia parmesan with chicken veggie "rice"
- Tilapia parmesan
- Tuna patty
- Two tuna patties on an oopsie with deluxe American cheese, mayo, lettuce and tomato dipped in low carb ketchup
- Chicken veggie "rice"
- A few bites of a gluten free brownie with low carb chocolate frosting

Easy low carb chocolate frosting

- Half cup heavy whipping cream
- Two tablespoons cocoa powder
- Two tablespoons natural peanut butter
- Ten drops of liquid splenda
- Three teaspoons sugar free pancake syrup

Blend all ingredients in a bowl using an electric mixer. Easy-peasy! This makes enough frosting to frost a single-layer cake or brownies. Double for a double layer cake.

Low carb menu

- Three small pieces of strawberry jello cake (needed to be used up!)
- Tuna patty sandwich on an oopsie roll with two patties, mayo, lettuce, tomato and low carb ketchup
- Low carb peanut butter fudge
- Chicken broccoli "rice"

Low carb recipe: Chicken veggie rice

- Three cups of cooked chicken, diced
- One head of cauliflower, grated with a cheese grater or food processor
- Five green onions, sliced
- Four teaspoons minced garlic
- One bag of frozen broccoli
- Half of a red or green pepper, diced (optional)
- One four ounce can of mushrooms
- Four tablespoons of butter and olive oil, each
- One cup heavy cream (8 oz)
- Two cups shredded cheddar (8 oz)

Grate cauliflower. Saute onions and garlic in the butter/olive oil in a large dutch oven and then add in the riced cauliflower, bell pepper, mushrooms and frozen broccoli. Cover and cook over medium heat, and stirring occasionally until tender.

Salt and pepper to taste and add heavy cream and cheddar cheese and cook until just melted.

Finally, add in cooked chicken and serve warm.

Low carb menu

- Three sausage patties
- Two tuna patties on an oopsie with cheese, mayo, lettuce, tomato and low carb ketchup
- Peanut butter cookies with sugar free chocolate chips
- Three pieces of low carb pizza with sausage, ham, pepperoni, mushrooms, cheese, natural vodka sauce with ranch dressing
- BBQ pork rinds

Low carb menu and planning for Christmas

- Two tuna patties on an oopsie roll with mayo, lettuce and tomato dipped in low carb ketchup
- Four hot dogs with an oopsie with tomato, mayo, mustard and low carb ketchup
- Two pieces of low carb pizza with sausage, ham, pepperoni, mozzarella and natural vodka sauce
- Low carb peanut butter cookies
- A few sugar free chocolate chips

These peanut butter cookies are REALLY good! I made a triple batch and I actually froze three bags of them to make drumstick treat later on in the year. I'm just setting myself up for success and this time of year, I'm really on this mindset that I deserve "treats" and I know better than to think that high-carb processed candy is the way to go, plus the drumstick treat is sooo decadent.

I asked my girlfriend if three drumstick treats should be enough to get us through the Christmas season, just joking around and she replied, "Yeah, but what are you going to eat?"

Drumstick treat has many layers, but it's worth the extra work in the kitchen to make a home made, from scratch dish that you know you and your loved ones can enjoy guilt-free this year.

Low carb menu

- Two sausage patties
- 1.25 waffles with sugar free Mrs. Butterworth's syrup
- Two pieces of low carb pizza with cheese, sausage, ham, pepperoni and mushrooms with ranch and Parmesan cheese
- Low carb strawberry cake
- 1/4 cucumber sandwich on an oopsie with spiced mayo ala girlfriend

Low carb menu

- Half an oopsie roll
- Two tuna patties
- Tuna patty sandwich on an oopsie with two patties, lettuce, tomato, mayo, cheese and low carb ketchup
- Two pieces of low carb pizza with sausage, mushrooms, pepperoni, ham, mozz and vodka sauce

Low carb menu

- Two sausage patties
- Unpotato salad
- Half of a plain oopsie roll out of the oven
- Pepperoni
- Low carb strawberry cake

We finally got our first dumping of snow. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, that is for certain. We aren't going all crazy overboard for Christmas this year, but I do have a few more things that I would like to pick up.

In knee news, I'm pretty much off the walker and up on the cane! I never thought I would be so excited to be on a cane, but it's quite a difference. I'm pretty sure that the walker has also been making some cut marks on the linoleum, so I'm pretty much on the cane or in the wheelchair. I made the mistake of overdoing it on my first day up on the cane, pretty much using it exclusively and my knee sure did pay for it later. It was super duper painful and even when my dog rested her head on it that night, I nearly winced and screamed in pain. She felt so bad, poor thing! I need to progress slowly on it, using it more and more each day.

My goal for this weekend is to get my art studio organized. Like, really organized... labeled and all! I have a slew of art supplies, but they are not all that sorted, which is a crafter's nightmare. I'm looking forward to have a well-organized cute art studio to work in. Since I also work from home, it's actually also my home office. We have a two bedroom apartment and I took the bigger room for my office. We did it so it would be quieter because it's the one room that is not sharing any walls with our sometimes-loud neighbors. I'm great at helping others get organized, but this weekend, I seriously want a professional organizer to show up with her cute little label maker to save me! Help!

Menu for the day

- Two tuna patties with unpotato salad
- Two smallish plates from Chinese buffet with several lower carb options
- Low carb strawberry cake
- Unpotato salad

Low carb menu, weigh in, Christmas shopping

- Two tuna patties
- Strawberry cake
- Tuna patty/cheese/mayo/lettuce/tomato on an oopsie with mayo and ketchup
- Mashed cauliflower with cream of mushroom soup as a gravy
- Unpotato salad
- Half pound cheese burger on an oopsie with all the fixings

The strawberry cake is a winner... best three and a half carbs I spent all day!

Having a planned deviation today while taking my mom out to eat... I need to think of it as not a complete binge where I feel sick (I know...), but I am going to allow myself to indulge a little bit. Maybe it will trick my body a little bit with the carb thing, who knows....

I weighed in this morning at 200.2, after I drank a cup of coffee (which has to weigh about eight ounces, right??) That is a loss of half a pound and I'm happy about that. I'm counting it as about a pound lost, which is awesome, I think.

I like the way my life is going. I'm in a size Large women's shirt, soon to be a Medium and my jeans actually fit. It's not like I'm pouring into a size 12 Tall; they really fit. The difference between long and tall is the talls have a 36'' inseam; long is usually 34'''. Sometimes, when I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I hardly even recognize myself, in a good way. I think the mirror plays tricks on us because when I was really morbidly obese, I would look at myself as thinner than I was, almost as a coping mechanism. I would try on a slew of clothes, trying to find something that made me look less fat than I was. If I looked good in something, it was "flattering" on me. I really have come to hate that word... flattering. It's like saying, you are not good enough how you are, but boy does that outfit do wonders for the imagination! I used to love it when my mom told me something was flattering on me, but now I just cringe. Now, I choose clothes that are more form-fitted because I'm proud of my body and my shape. Yeah, I said it and I don't care if it sounds conceited... I don't have the world's best body image, but I've worked hard for what I do have and I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming.

Went to Walmart last night with my girlfriend and we had fun choosing some Christmas gifts. I got myself an earring tree that is sooo cute. I make jewelry, so it's not completely frivolous, plus it's a seasonal item I think, so it was a good buy. It looks pewter, but I"m sure it's a cheaper, painted metal, but it's pretty adorable. If you wear earrings, you know that finding the mate is half the battle... Kind of like in life!

We got fresh and frozen cauliflower, which will be great for mashed cauliflower and rice risotto. I don't think she has ever had my risotto, so she is in for a real treat. I think it will pair nicely with the Tilapia Parmesan. I have found that for "ricing" cauliflower, grating it raw is much easier than grating frozen, overly wet stuff.

Thoughts on my 400th entry and osteotomy update

This is my 400th blog entry! While I will not say that low carbing is a piece of cake, it's certainly become a way of life for me. Lots of people think that eating low carb means no fruits or veggies, and that is just not the case. I eat many more vegetables and whole foods than I ever ate when I was on the Standard American Diet rat wheel.

Eating low carb starts off very rocky, just like quitting anything does, then it becomes easier and easier over time. During induction (the first two weeks of eating 20 carbs or less per day), your body is actually just beginning to tap into the stored fat to use in fat burning mode, so of course your body can be quite cranky and really just not wanting to use up the stored fat. In leaner times, it was great to have a fat storage, but in modern times, not so much. We were built to survive, so it's no wonder why our bodies can be reluctant to use our "energy savings" so to speak. Eating low carb actually forces your body to burn the stored carbohydrates (read: fat).

Years ago, I never really gave much thought to what I was eating, but I "knew" one thing... Eating fat was "bad." I thought of deviled eggs and bacon as "naughty" because of their high fat content. I was extremely disillusioned! I would eat a bowl of white rice with "I can't believe it's not butter" and think I was doing wonders for my body, eating low fat. That was obviously wreaking havoc on my blood sugar and causing serious spikes, which lead to my insulin resistance and pre-diabetes, no doubt.

I will tell anybody who asks how I've lost my weight, because I have lost quite a substantial amount (over a hundred pounds). I just answer, "low carb." Do other people notice the looks of disapproval when you come out of the low carb closet? Even though I think most people would benefit from a low carb regimen, I am careful not to try to put other people on a diet or anything like that. When people are addicted to carbohydrates, they may not even realize it, but the thought of them giving up their morning bagel or toast or pasta or whatever actually causes them great distress and it must be our own decision.

Years ago, I scoffed at the Atkins diet, thinking it just was extremely unhealthy for your heart and actually speaking out against it when I heard of people even trying it, but I think I was just secretly afraid somebody was trying to steal my toast. I was painfully addicted to highly processed carbohydrates and my order at any restaurant was based on how I could fit in the most carbs versus what I actually enjoyed eating.

I told my dad to just try eating eggs for breakfast because I think it's all about small changes and constantly moving in the right direction.

I'm definitely still learning, but I've lost about 80% of my excess weight, but that does not mean that I only have 20% to go and I'm done. For one, if I quit eating low carb now, the weight will surely come back quickly. Secondly, the closer I get to goal, the slower it is coming off. At first, I would lose a pound a day of weight, which was quite motivating. Now, even if I'm on plan, I'm happy to see a pound of weight loss on the scale in a week. I'm about 25 pounds away from getting to a normal weight and I'm very excited.

In terms of my knee, I was looking at my legs in the mirror yesterday and they look straight! I'm so excited about this. I truly thought that my left leg was screwed for life, to be honest. Even at the young age of seven years old, my legs were very knock-kneed, which lead to the growth portion surgery (staples in the inner bones of my knees) that I had at ages 12 and 13, respectively. My right knee was a success, but my left knee over-corrected itself and what was once a knock knee quickly became bow-legged. My orthopedic pediatric surgeon never dreamed I would grow to be 5'10'' and so he was just in hurry to operate because he feared I was done growing. He really should have done a simple x-ray of my wrist to see how far my growth portion had to grow and estimate my height that way, but that is water under the bridge. My point is, I've never remembered having straight legs until now and while one is still 3/8'' shorter, I'm in a lot less pain than I was in pre-surgery when the angle on my knee was just completely off, which my doctor called a malunion in my knee.

Life is good and I'm continually moving in the right direction!

Low carb menu:

- Pork rinds with pork bbq
- Unpotato salad
- Mashed cauliflower with Dottie's cream of mushroom soup as a gravy
- Tuna patty sandwich cheese, deluxe on an oopsie roll
- Quarter pound cheeseburger patty with onions, tomato, lettuce and low carb ketchup
- Four pieces of one-carb peanut butter fudge

Low carb menu

- Two sausage patties and a low carb waffle
- Unpotato salad with two tuna patties with low carb ketchup
- Peanut butter fudge
- Half pound burger on an oopsie with all the fixins
- Pork bbq with bbq pork rinds

Low carb menu

- Pork chop, breaded with Parmesan cheese with low carb ketchup
- Another pork chop
- Deviled eggs
- Half pound burger on an oopsie roll with onions, lettuce, tomato, mustard, mayo and of course low carb ketchup

Yesterday was my eight month anniversary with Angie. She is the most amazing person that I could ever dream of finding! We watched a movie on Starz because it got too late to go to the video store, plus she has to work early this morning. I made her a cute little hand stitched embroidery and it's just lovely. It's quirky and cute and says "love birds" on it with two birds and is heart-shaped with little embroidered daisies on it, too.

My mom is coming over on Wednesday to go to lunch with us and also to see our Christmas tree. She is going to bring over an angel as a tree topper and I can't wait. We are using her old tree, which is super nice for being a fake one. I feel honored that she chose me to give it to. I can write this because none of my brothers read my blog, lol. I have mentioned it on the wayside to them here or there that I write down what I eat, but they are not even close to the Internet junkie that I am. They check their email maybe once a day whereas my email is on auto-check so I never miss a beat.

We create our own existence in this world, largely if not completely. That is one of the first things that drew me to Angie - her belief system and how accountable she seemed (and is) for beckoning people into our lives and basically creating our own destiny and reality. We always joke that that is the good news and the bad news!

It's raining like mad, which would usually be snow this time of year which would usually cause my arthritis to be really horrible, but it's shockingly not bad. My knee surgery literally removed some of my damaged bone (I think), but the way my surgeon tells it, he just did some carpentry tricks with my bone. Think of if you had a table with a bad leg... He removed a wedge of bone from my own hip and put it in my femur, which changed the whole angle of my knee. When he saw me walk with my pantleg up, he said that he really couldn't be happier. This guy does over three hundred reconstructive joint surgeries per year and is simply amazing. He actually received the Patient's Choice Award for 2010 and he is definitely at hero-status in my life. Angie gets mad when I tell her she is my hero, but she really is too. She has been sick with a stomach flu, but I packed her a cute little lunch and I hope she can eat it and gets better soon. She really can't miss work, but I wish she would stay home and get better....

Low carb menu

- Unpotato salad
- Pork chop, breaded with egg and parmesan cheese
- Sausage patty
- Half pound burger with lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, mustard and low carb ketchup on an oopsie roll
- Deviled eggs
- Low carb peanut butter fudge
- Unpotato salad

We've all been there, I think. The point where somebody finds your blog who you really REALLY don't want to and then you just feel so... vulnerable. I thought about turning it to private, but I like all the feedback that I get from you all and all... plus I feel like I'm putting the low carb word "out there" so to speak.

What have you guys done when people who you would never show you blog to in a zillion years have found you? Thoughts?

Low carb menu, knee surgery update and good news for mom

- Two sausage patties
- A waffle with sugar free syrup

Good news on my mom's mammogram. She is cancer free still! She had it surgically removed, then did 16 weeks of chemo, had a month off and is going to start 6 weeks of radiation soon. I am so relieved that she is cancer free, but I could choke her for still smoking. Quitting smoking is scary, though and I should know because I've done it. I think sometimes, the unknown is scarier than the actual fall. For me, quitting was like walking off the edge of a cliff and expecting the net to be there. No amount of preaching or begging can get somebody to quit, though... It's really a decision that must be made from the gut and made on one's own.

My surgeon says that I'm healing as good as can be expected. The space in the bone looks very filled in. I'm still on the walker, but I will be up on a cane soon. You hold the cane on the opposite side of the bad leg, which still kind of baffles me, but he is the expert.

He tells me I'm his hero because I still am off the smoking, plus due to my 105 pound weight loss I guess. I say he is my hero because he really changed my life with making my leg all better. The not getting around properly can really mess with a person and I'm in a ton of pain still. He says he wants me to be off the pain pills in a month or two, which sound reasonable but also scary. I'm going to call the nurse and see if I can be back on my anti-inflammatory, which really helps the pain.

I don't go back to my surgeon until February 15th. I'm doing hip-to-toe xrays before I go back to see him and he will make a decision then as to if I need my other surgery or not. It would be an open wedge high tibial osteotomy, which would help with the arthritis and would also cause my legs to be closer to the same length. Part of me is SO RELIEVED that I may not need the second surgery as this one was quite a doozie... Sawing my bone in half, having a wedge of bone cut from my hip bone (ouch) and then having a plate with screws drilled right into my femur.

My left leg started out very bow legged and is now close to the right angle. It started off as a one-inch leg length discrepancy and is now only 3/8 of an inch shorter, so that is a plus. I need to get a hold of the custom shoe place and see what they can do about that. I'm sure there is a lift I need to make everything stay more lined up than it has been.

I kind of feel like he is just letting me go swim on my own and I don't know how to swim. (I really do, but you can get the metaphor). I guess life is like that a lot... You don't realize you can do it on your own until you do. I tried to take a step with the cane in his office and he said that I just might not be ready yet.

I'm also disappointed because I stayed on plan for ALL of November but lost zero pounds. I'm so mad about it that I could spit. I guess I did gain muscle in my left leg, which was so skinny after I took off the immobilizer, but I feel like that is making an excuse. My leg beefed up with muscle and I didn't actually gain any weight, so in a way, part of it is fat loss. My girlfriend is always so encouraging and she reminds me that I've done so great and am still doing awesome, reminds me that I'm into a size 12 jeans so just look how far I've come, but I can't help kicking myself in the ass for this last 25 pounds being so hard to lose.

I guess when so much of my self worth comes from dropping the pounds, having a while of maintaining can mess with me. If I'm good enough when I lose weight, when I don't lose weight, I'm not good enough.... sort of deal. I guess I did gain a couple pounds from my lowest recorded weight of 198.4 and now I'm at about 200.8.

It was Halloween then Thanksgiving and I stayed 100% on plan, but I feel like that is just more of an excuse than the actual truth. I know eating low carb works, so am I just purposely sabotaging myself or what?

I do know one thing... The only way to move on with any semblance of sanity is to know that we are okay, today, just the way we are. I don't think anybody really feels good enough ever so maybe I'm not alone in this. Weight is just such a measurable thing and we have to nurture ourselves daily, so it's no wonder to me that so many of us struggle with our weight.

Low carb menu

- Turkey/mushroom/broccoli/cauliflower cheesy casserole
- A hot dog with mustard and low carb ketchup
- Meatballs with marinara sauce on half an oopsie roll with cheese
- Spaghetti squash with a few mushrooms and Parmesan cheese
- Pumpkin bake