- Two sausage patties
- A waffle with sugar free syrup
Good news on my mom's mammogram. She is cancer free still! She had it surgically removed, then did 16 weeks of chemo, had a month off and is going to start 6 weeks of radiation soon. I am so relieved that she is cancer free, but I could choke her for still smoking. Quitting smoking is scary, though and I should know because I've done it. I think sometimes, the unknown is scarier than the actual fall. For me, quitting was like walking off the edge of a cliff and expecting the net to be there. No amount of preaching or begging can get somebody to quit, though... It's really a decision that must be made from the gut and made on one's own.
My surgeon says that I'm healing as good as can be expected. The space in the bone looks very filled in. I'm still on the walker, but I will be up on a cane soon. You hold the cane on the opposite side of the bad leg, which still kind of baffles me, but he is the expert.
He tells me I'm his hero because I still am off the smoking, plus due to my 105 pound weight loss I guess. I say he is my hero because he really changed my life with making my leg all better. The not getting around properly can really mess with a person and I'm in a ton of pain still. He says he wants me to be off the pain pills in a month or two, which sound reasonable but also scary. I'm going to call the nurse and see if I can be back on my anti-inflammatory, which really helps the pain.
I don't go back to my surgeon until February 15th. I'm doing hip-to-toe xrays before I go back to see him and he will make a decision then as to if I need my other surgery or not. It would be an open wedge high tibial osteotomy, which would help with the arthritis and would also cause my legs to be closer to the same length. Part of me is SO RELIEVED that I may not need the second surgery as this one was quite a doozie... Sawing my bone in half, having a wedge of bone cut from my hip bone (ouch) and then having a plate with screws drilled right into my femur.
My left leg started out very bow legged and is now close to the right angle. It started off as a one-inch leg length discrepancy and is now only 3/8 of an inch shorter, so that is a plus. I need to get a hold of the custom shoe place and see what they can do about that. I'm sure there is a lift I need to make everything stay more lined up than it has been.
I kind of feel like he is just letting me go swim on my own and I don't know how to swim. (I really do, but you can get the metaphor). I guess life is like that a lot... You don't realize you can do it on your own until you do. I tried to take a step with the cane in his office and he said that I just might not be ready yet.
I'm also disappointed because I stayed on plan for ALL of November but lost zero pounds. I'm so mad about it that I could spit. I guess I did gain muscle in my left leg, which was so skinny after I took off the immobilizer, but I feel like that is making an excuse. My leg beefed up with muscle and I didn't actually gain any weight, so in a way, part of it is fat loss. My girlfriend is always so encouraging and she reminds me that I've done so great and am still doing awesome, reminds me that I'm into a size 12 jeans so just look how far I've come, but I can't help kicking myself in the ass for this last 25 pounds being so hard to lose.
I guess when so much of my self worth comes from dropping the pounds, having a while of maintaining can mess with me. If I'm good enough when I lose weight, when I don't lose weight, I'm not good enough.... sort of deal. I guess I did gain a couple pounds from my lowest recorded weight of 198.4 and now I'm at about 200.8.
It was Halloween then Thanksgiving and I stayed 100% on plan, but I feel like that is just more of an excuse than the actual truth. I know eating low carb works, so am I just purposely sabotaging myself or what?
I do know one thing... The only way to move on with any semblance of sanity is to know that we are okay, today, just the way we are. I don't think anybody really feels good enough ever so maybe I'm not alone in this. Weight is just such a measurable thing and we have to nurture ourselves daily, so it's no wonder to me that so many of us struggle with our weight.