Thursday, December 22, 2011

Low carb menu and trusting the universe

- Two sausage patties
- Two low carb pancakes with sugar free Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup
- Low carb brownie with low carb chocolate frosting
- Half pound bun-less hamburger with mayo, mustard and low carb ketchup
- About 1/3 of a large movie theater popcorn

We had date night last night and Angie took me to see the newest Twilight movie. I was a little bit late hopping aboard the Twilight train, but it sure is awesome!

I knee news, I have taken quite a few steps without my cane or anything, which has been soo awesome. My surgeon told me "no pain, no limp" when it comes to walking around on my newly-reconstructed knee. If it hurts, I'm supposed to be on my cane for now. It does still kind of hurt when I'm sitting with my knee bent, but before surgery, it was much worse. I would literally lay in bed and complain to Angie that the arthritis was so severe that there was not a single position for me to place my knee where it would not be in the most throbbing, excruciating pain. I even just got used to dealing with pain, ignoring the constant signal to my brain that my knee was hurting. I came to realize that part of me felt that I deserved the pain for making myself so fat, when in reality, it had nothing to do with my weight. Sure, I'm sure that me being so big was not helping the problem, but nobody deserves that type of pain. As Angie would remind me, if it were only my weight causing the issues, both knees would hurt, whereas it was just the deformed one that hurt. My surgeon says that he has seen very thin people with the same kind of knee problem, and that it is completely unrelated to my weight. I still kind of only half-believe him, but he is the one who does over three hundred reconstructive knee surgeries per year, so he really knows his stuff. I will say one thing I know for sure, though. My knee pain was not helped by my then-obesity, that is for sure.

Tomorrow will be four months post-op and also when I smoked the last time. Last night, I went to let the dogs out before bed and I just started to walk around without my cane at all. Less than a month ago, walking on a cane was terrifying to me, but it's all about making progress, a little bit at a time. If I do end up needing the same kind of surgery on the bottom part of my knee, it will be fine. Getting through the last four months has been very difficult for me, but it has really shown me that I can overcome more than I ever dreamed.

It's so wild how life works out, isn't it? I never would have dreamed that I would be having knee surgery and being so happy with it. After all, I really blame much of my previous knee deformity on the botched surgery when I was only 12 years old.

I really didn't even realize that I was open to love or into getting a girlfriend at all, until Angie came along and our love was simply undeniable... I did not know from an early age that I was into girls. In fact, before my girlfriend, I just always was attracted to and had relationships with men. I'm happy for our love and I wouldn't have it any other way, but my point is, you never really know what life is going to deal you.

I have to give myself some credit for creating my destiny, though. Through good decisions and perseverance, I have lost over 100 lbs and am still losing. I was open to fixing my knee, so I sought out a top-notch surgeon whose plan I could trust. I was open to love and being with somebody who could make me feel more special and happier than I ever dreamed. When you are open, the universe will make you so happy... happier than you ever dreamed. I think that it is up to you to decide what you want, then the universe will find a way... probably much different from the "how" that you ever imagined... and much better, too.

I looked back at my entry for January 1, 2011 and I was eighty pounds heavier than I am now, single and not having any clue how I would deal with my knee pain. However, I said, "2011 is going to be my year... I just know it." And so it was.


  1. Fascinating, actually.
    I knew I was Gay from the day I was born.
    Even back when "gay" ment "happy!"
    I took it all in stride... I thought everyone was gay!
    Yep - trusting the Universe is what it's all about.

  2. PS: Glad you are getting along better with the post op!
    Here's to 2012 being even better!

  3. I love you so much, baby. You're an inspiration, and I am so proud of your strength and courage.

    Finding you, or being found by you, is the best thing that has or will ever happen to me. No measure of time with you will ever be enough for me. So, let just start with forever.

  4. Anne, I'm kind of jealous of the girls who have always known... It took me a long time to find the one for me.

    Angie, you are sleeping now and I want to wake you up but you may just have to settle being woke up to the aroma of yummy low carb pancakes!

  5. Btw I've always been a big advocate of the LBGT community as an ally, but little did I know I was actually one of the first letters, lol.